Silent understanding
by Erendyce
Summary: There was a limit to what he could endure. And there was only one person who could understand that. Yullen one-shot.


Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.

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It was 8 a.m., at the library. A girl was walking towards a certain red-haired guy who was busy reading.

"Lavi, do you know where Allen-kun is ?" Lenalee asked.

"Hmm, nope. Why ?"

"Well, I haven't seen him around lately, so I was wondering where he could be."

"…Now that you mention it, he barely shown himself for a week or more." Lavi replied, scratching his head. "Panda didn't tell me anything, but I suppose he must be stuck with Two-spots for whatever questioning."

"No, my brother told me they momentarily stopped keeping him under surveillance. But he's got no clue about Allen's whereabouts during the day."

"Did you check his room ?"

"Yes, I did. It's always empty, even late at night."

"Now that's kinda weird. I sometimes see him here or there, but he seems to disappear pretty quickly lately."

Lenalee was obsviously very concerned, and Lavi seemed to be thinking hard.

"Well, in any case, Allen must come to the cafeteria for meals, you know how much of an ogre he is when it comes to food. Maybe we should try to catch him there." the red-haired Bookman went on.

"Oh, that's a good idea ! I'll wait for him at lunch time then." Lenalee replied, a bit more enthousiastic.

She left the library, and Lavi resumed reading. Not so far from him, a long dark-haired Exorcist watched him silently. He hadn't missed the short conversation.

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A large, white room with a piano in the middle. A boy with silver hair was sitting on the stool, his back facing the keyboard and a golden winged-ball was flying in front of him. The boy's face reflected tiredness, sadness and melancholy, and his whole body seemed to be completely limp. He was looking at the ground with a dull look.

Allen silently sighed for the hundredth time.

"Say, Timcampy, why did it have to be me ?" he asked softly, more to himself than to the golem, actually. "Why didn't the 14th choose another body to possess ? Why do I have to keep enduring all these ? " he paused, then whispered as he buried his face in his hands :

"That's unfair."

The golem landed on Allen's head, gently patting his hair with his wings in an small attempt at comforting him.

"Thanks for keeping me company, Tim. It feels good to have you around, even if you can't talk back." Allen said with a weak smile.

He pulled his knees under his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs, Timcampy still on his head. They remained like that for a moment, silently ; then the golden golem started to nudge Allen a bit.

"Hm, what is it ? Oh, it's already lunch time. Fine, let's go get something to eat."

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Lenalee looked at her watch. It was 12.05. 'Well, let's try to find Allen-kun at the cafeteria.' She thought. As she reached the place, Lavi was arriving as well.

"Is Allen here already ?" he asked.

"No, not yet. I suggest we take seats and wait for him inside."

"Sure."

They ordered their meals, and took seat not too far away from the entry door. The cafeteria was still rather empty, but people were progressively coming, filling the place. However, there was no sign of Allen anywhere. Half an hour passed, and Lavi started to get impatient :

"Jeez, what's he doing ? He's usually the first one to jump in here at every meal time. I'm gonna ask Jerry."

That said, he got up and went to the cook, then came back a minute later. Lenalee could see him frowning.

"What's that face for, Lavi ?"

"Jerry said Allen's already come. He's ordered his meal and left with it. It seems he's been doing that for more than a week."

"Left ? But where ? Do you think he eats in his room now ?" Lenalee asked, intrigued.

"Dunno. Maybe we should go and see, but I hardly doubt he's there."

Both got up, went out of the cafeteria, and headed for Allen's room. Neither of them noticed a Japanese Exorcist who was sitting a table away.

Arriving at Allen's room, Lavi knocked at the door ; of course, no one replied.

"It's starting to seriously bug me." Lavi said with a slighty annoyed tone. "I think I'll go ask some people around, there must be at least one who'd have seen Allen."

"I'll do the same. There's no way he could have disappeared without anyone noticing. Let's keep one another informed, ok ?"

"Sure."

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Allen didn't eat much, not like he could have carried much to the Ark's piano room anyway. He was standing in front of a huge mirror on the white wall, staring with empty eyes at the shadow which was facing him with an eerie smile. The white-haired Exorcist felt like punching at the glass, he wanted to break the reflection in front of him that wasn't him, but someone who had dared take possession of his body. And because of that, the boy's life was only filled with grief, pain and sorrow.

Oh, of course he'd met nice people when he'd entered the Black Order, but none of them could really understand what Allen had to go through. They were always smiling at him and talking happily to him, but that only made him feel more alone than ever. All of them thought that he was naturally cheerful, always overcoming all kind of hardships, strong, a symbol of hope and so on. None seemed to remember that Allen was a mere human, a teen who wished like any other teen for a peaceful existence, with no Akuma, no Earl, no 14th… All of them considered him as a miracle-doer, a sort of 'chose one' or other craps like that.

All of them, but one.

The mere thought of Kanda Yuu made Allen briefly chuckle. If there was one person in the world who could irritate him to no end, it certainly was the Japanese Exorcist. Yet, Allen couldn't help but think differently of Kanda, compared with the other Exorcists. Kanda was cold, arrogant, proud and never showed any sympathy for the white-haired boy. Oddly enough, Allen could stand that behaviour better than Lenalee's or Lavi's ones ; maybe because it felt less hypocrite or less artificial…

"Moyashi !" a voice called in an annoyed tone.

Allen jumped. He quickly looked around him, surprised by the voice. Then he realized it didn't come from inside the Ark. Timcampy flew in front of Allen, pointing with one of his wings at the large screen Allen usually used to observe any place within the Ark and outside. He turned his head to the screen, and saw the tall familiar figure of the Japanese Exorcist. He was obviously standing next to the Ark, waiting for an answer. Since Allen didn't give one at first, for he was still too startled by his presence, he went on, clearly and loudly :

"Oi, Moyashi ! I know you're somewhere in here so you'd better let me in before I get impatient !" he said harshly.

Allen could see Kanda's annoyed face and wondered for a second whether he should open the Ark's gate to piano room, or simply ignore the Japanese man. He was hesitating : why would someone like Kanda come to look for him ? Ah, maybe it was on Komui's orders. It had to be that. In that case, Allen would simply ignore it. But the golden golem was now flying frenetically in front of Allen's eyes, like he wanted to tell him something.

"What is it, Tim ? You want me to let him enter ?"

The golem nodded vigourously. Allen sighed :

"… Fine… But then you leave me here alone with him. Just go back outside, and make sure no one catches you, or they will want to know where I am."

Timcampy didn't need to be told twice, as it rushed to the exit Allen was opening. He didn't know why he had listened to the golem so easily and he didn't have enough strength to think about that. Furthermore, he was resigned to come back to the Headquarters, among the other people. Once again, he'd have to put on a fake everything-is-alright face, but it was not the first time he'd do it, so it would be fine.

Kanda crossed the gate which closed right after and went into the white room where Allen was standing, his back turned to him. They remained like that, standing silently a few meters from each other, Kanda watching the boy in front of him with his dark eyes, and Allen staring at the ground.

The white-haired Exorcist eventually spoke :

"Is Komui sending you to take me back ?" he asked softly. He knew the question was pretty stupid since he the answer to it was obvious, but he had felt like asking it anyway, just to start a semblance of conversation.

"No."

The voice was rough, yet Allen didn't mind. He was actually more surprised by the reply than anything else, so he waited for Kanda to go on, but since the older Exorcist didn't, Allen spoke again :

"Then why are you here ?"

"Che. The rabbit and Lenalee were starting to piss me off talking about you night and day, so I figured I'd go somewhere less noisy."

"How did you know I was in the Ark ? Did you tell Lavi and Lenalee ?"

"Not everybody is as stupid as you. And no, I didn't tell them."

Allen slightly turned his head on the side and glanced at Kanda.

"So you're not here to bring me back there ?" he asked, feeling a bit relieved.

"I don't like repeating myself."

The younger Exorcist fully turned over to face Kanda, to see the Japanese man looking at him disdainfully, arms crossed. Or maybe it wasn't really disdain, but rather a critical look at the boy. At least, that was what Allen thought he could see in Kanda's eyes.

Allen suddendly realized that the only person he could bear seeing without feeling uneasy was Kanda. He was the only one who wasn't overflowing with excessive gentleness, sweetness or any other kind of those feelings that didn't really mean anything to Allen. Kanda didn't even try to be nice, he simply was himself, no more, no less. And that was what attracted Allen to him : the mere fact that he never pretended anything.

Kanda's silent presence cracked him up.

He felt a violent urge to spill out everything in his mind, and in his heart. He buried his face in his hands a few seconds and started to speak with a desperate voice :

"I'm sick, Kanda. I'm sick of everything that's happening. I knew when I first joined the Black Order that life wouldn't be easy, but I could never have imagined it was going to get that bad ! For all this time, I've kept fighting, struggling, surviving because I wanted to save people, and then, one fine day, I'm told that there's a Noah inside me and that I'm a danger for you all !"

As he spoke, he took a few steps towards the mirror and pointed at the black alien figure which was constantly by his sides :

"You can't see it, but I can. I see another person next to my own reflection who keeps reminding me that someday, I'll have to give up my body to a Noah to fulfill his wishes ! I thought I'd get used to seeing it, but I never managed. It's driving me crazy, Kanda ! Sometimes I just want to rip open my own body to pull him out of me !"

Allen was holding his head with his eyes opened wide, insanity starting to reflect in them. He was shaking slightly, and panic was gradually taking over him as he went on :

"It's unbearable ! I keep hearing a voice in my head, whispering many things I'd rather never hear, and there's no way to make it silent. I'm fed up, Kanda. Totally fed up. I won't last long if it goes on like this ! And I'm even more fed up with everyone around who keeps thinking that everything's alright as long as I'm with them ! Damn it, I'm not some kind of savior !"

He fell to the ground on his hands and knees, and though his hair hid part of his face, Kanda saw small drops falling from it. He hadnt' moved from his spot for all the time Allen was talking, and even now, he didn't move to support the helpless boy in front of him, who had never looked more pitiful to Kanda. He could hear Allen still talking betweens two sobs :

"I'm feeling as if my mind and sanity were withering little by little… And I'm feeling like everything I've done so far is totally pointless… I'm fighting against Noahs, but I'm going to become one soon. But if I join them, they'll kill me as surely as the Order will do… Then tell me, Kanda, what exactly am I supposed to do ?" The last sentence was almost whispered as Allen sat up on his heels and rose his eyes to Kanda.

"You're asking me what you could do ?" the Japanese man said icily. "Then you could start by stopping your useless whining."

Allen stared at him, taken aback. Not a single word come from his mouth. That wasn't the answer he expected !

"What's the point in complaining that everything goes wrong ? I just hate this kind of people."

Cruel words. A harsh tone. A cold voice. More tears appeared unwillingly at the corners of Allen's eyes. Something in his throat was preventing him from replying.

"Open the gate. I'm leaving." Kanda ordered dryly.

Allen gulped, but opened the gate anyway. As Kanda crossed it, Allen managed with difficulty to ask :

"Are you really not able understand me ?"

The Japanese man stopped a second, then replied :

"You're the one who does not understand. Just do what you want do." Then he left.

Allen closed the door, then cried bitterly. What had Kanda come here for if it wasn't to listen to him or to bring him back to the Headquarters ? Was it simply to irritate him ? Because if that was the case, then he'd been successful. And what was the meaning of his last sentence ? What did Allen not understand ? He was feeling resentful at Kanda, because he had thought that the older Exorcist was the only one who could be understanding enough at least not to put all the burdens of the world on his shoulders. With his last words, Kanda had managed to crush any comfort Allen could have sought.

Hours passed, as Allen was still sitting on the ground, mute and looking as depressed as ever.

'_You're the one who does not understand.'_

The words echoed in his mind again. Was there something to understand ? Allen couldn't see it. To him, Kanda was simply a jerk and a cold-hearted bastard. But then, the fact that he'd come to find him in the Ark intrigued him ; he'd said that he'd come on his own, but now that Allen thought about it, Kanda hadn't really explained why. He had just stood there, listened to Allen's fit of despair, thrown insensible words at him, then left.

Still, he had listened.

Something clicked in Allen's mind ; he realized that Kanda was the very first person to whom he had really talked about how he truly felt inside him. While Allen had gone mad, the Japanese man had listened to him silently, without interrupting him, and it was all that Allen needed.

'_Just do what you want to do.'_

'I really am a dumbass !' Allen thought. Kanda was right, Allen hadn't understood at that moment, but now he did. He knew that Kanda had helped him more than any other person in the Black Order just by going to him and listening to him. Lavi, Lenalee, Miranda or Krory could claim to be his friends, but they never really got the faintest idea of what their friend really suffered.

Allen felt somewhat relieved. There was one person on that world who could understand him, and it was enough for him. He decided that he would stop taking shelter within the Ark, and stood up, ready to return to the Order's main building. He knew what he wanted to do : he wanted to go and see Kanda.

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It was 9 p.m. when Allen set foot out of the Ark. As he was walking in the main hall, two people called him out :

"Allen-kun ! Where were you ? We kept looking for you everywhere !" Lenalee said enthousiastically.

"Sorry for worrying you, Lenalee. I was just hanging outside the grounds, to change air." Allen replied with a smile.

"Really, Allen, we started to wonder if you weren't dead or something !" Lavi joked, patting the silver-haired boy's head.

"Of course not, stupid Lavi !"

All three of them laughed.

Allen started to feel sick again. He needed time to get used to all this cheerfulness once more. And there was only one place he could find that time. Allen quickly got rid of the two Exorcists on the pretext of being tired and wanting to go back to his room.

But it wasn't his room he headed for.

He almost ran to Kanda's room, and was about to knock at the door but stopped his motion a few millimeters away from the door. He was hesitating ; maybe he had misunderstood Kanda's words ? Since the Japanese man was usually insensitive, it was weird that he'd offer help to anyone, especially to Allen whom he obviously hated a lot. No, no, Kanda had been very clear back then ; Allen could come to him if he wanted to. So he knocked at the door and waited.

A few seconds later, it opened and Allen faced a Kanda who was visibly expecting this visit. They looked at each other for a second, neither of them speaking until Allen stuttered :

"Hm… Sorry to bother you this late but hm… well I…"

Kanda sighed, annoyed :

"Just come in, Moyashi." he said as opened the door wider to let the boy in.

Allen followed Kanda in the room and gave a look around. It was barely lit by a small bed-lamp and as clean as he could have imagined from Kanda. During this examination, the older Exorcist was staring at him silently, his back leant on the wall, arms crossed.

When Allen finally realized the odd silence surrounding him, he turned his head to Kanda, but looked away as he spoke :

"I… I'd like to thank you for coming earlier. And… for listening to me. I suppose it hasn't been a very pleasant sight, but… thank you."

"Babbling nonsense again." was Kanda's only answer.

He walked to Allen, closing the small distance between them, and even before the boy had time to react, raised his chin with one hand while putting his other arm around his waist, pulling Allen close to him.

"K-Kanda, what are you…" he said, blushing furiously. He couldn't even turn his head away, since Kanda was holding his chin.

"You talk too much." Kanda cut him and immediately pressed his lips against the boy's.

Allen's eyes were wide open, but he soon closed them to give in to the new feeling which was engulfing him. He felt warm and fragile within Kanda's embrace, not wanting to think about anything but the present moment. He shyly kissed back, putting his arms around Kanda and pressing himself more against the Japanese Exorcist. He wanted every inch of his body to be in contact with Kanda's own, he needed it so badly that it surprised him a bit that he had never realized it before. And now there was Kanda, who was giving him the consolation he craved for. They kissed passionately, trying to discover the other more deeply and not wanting to let go of their tight embrace.

Both of them eventually parted reluctantly, slightly panting. Kanda gently pulled Allen to the bed and they laid there, Kanda on top. They kissed again, starting to get rid of their clothes, and Kanda asked between two kisses :

"Do you really want it ?"

Allen didn't answer, instead he pulled the older man to him again and that was a more than clear reply for Kanda.

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Allen slowly opened his eyes. It was probably still early in the morning. He tried to move a bit, but a pair of strong arms was holding him back. He could feel Kanda's bare and warm chest against his back, as well as the slight breathing next to his ear. Silence was prevailing in the room, and it pleased Allen. In a single day and night, he came to enjoy silence more than anything, thanks to Kanda who had shown him that a silent understanding was worth more than any demonstration of superficial emotions. Allen felt he would be able to bear any hardship in the future, for he knew that there was someone whom he could always go to whenever he needed.

"Woken up already, Moyashi ?" Kanda whispered in Allen's ear. The boy turned himself to face Kanda and kiss him.

"Shhh. Let me listen to the silence a bit more" he answered softly.

Kanda merely tightened his embrace, granting Allen his request.

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There you are. Hope you liked it !


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